Spike's Series of Unfortunante Events
by bloody-awful
Summary: A series of Unfortunante events that happen to Spike. Set just after Spike has a dream about being in love with Buffy. Angel comes to Sunnydale and funniness and cruelties to Spike ensue. This is my first fan fiction so be gentle.COMPLETE R&R PLEASE
1. Bourbon and booze and wackiness ensues

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Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events. 

Disclaimer: Joss W. Owns all of the Buffyverse, I own nothing. Sad but true.

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When you're on the bloody Hellmouth, nothing seems to ever go as planned. Trust me, I would know, I've been on a lot of Hellmouths. The one in Sunnydale seems as though it's going to be my undoing. Now, let me explain why.

I was really piss drunk one night at The Bronze. Yeah, stop and marvel at the concept. Well, I wasn't wanting to be disturbed by any of the bleeding scoobie gang. Guess who walked in. Just my luck right? There they all come in, laughing and cuttin' up, and I was to smashed to just get up and leave. I knew if I had tried to stand up I was going to fall on my face and make a bloody scene. So, I sat there, hoping that they wouldn't see me. Buffy must have a radar though, cause the stupid bint just walks straight up to the bar and looks at me.

"What are you doing here Spike?" She asked me in that voice that can only be the most annoying slayer I've ever laid eyes on. Her hair was gleaming in the light or maybe I was just drunk, I couldn't tell you now if I had to. Anyway. I stare at her like she's a blithering idiot. Then say the first thing that comes to mind.

"S'none of your business slayer, sod off!" I was in a bad mood, and I was slurring my speech and it was very obvious that I was drunk. I really didn't want to see her face either. After all, it was only a couple nights ago that I had awoke with a start because of a horrible dream about being in love with her.

She just shrugged and ordered herself and her friends some drinks. Then she turned and left me there. Thank whom ever, I really didn't want her there. I was surprised that there was no whippy come back to my drunkenness. At the same time though, I was to drunk to care.

After being there for just a bit longer, long enough to drink one last brew I tried to stand up to leave. I made it, victory I made it to my feet. Now I just had to start moving them to get out of there without anymore visits from the slayer. Also had to try not to bump into anyone because if they fell and hurt themselves it would have been my fault and the bug zapper in my cranium would have went off.

So I start walking, staring at the floor trying to keep a straight line and not bump into anyone. Why the bartender didn't cut me off a couple hours ago, I don't know. Maybe he knew I was having a bad night.

I had almost made it to the door when none other than little Miss Buffy Summers waltzed up to me. I whirled around and gave her an unenthusiastic look.

"What the bleeding hell do you want slayer?" I slurred and hiccuped. I never have understood that, why it is that I hiccup. It's not like I need to breath and I thought hick-ups were caused by a lack of breath. Anyway, as I was saying. I slurred this at her and she gave me the most annoyed look I've ever seen. Then in reply she said.

"I was just going to tell you to be careful. I'm watching you." Again, she walks off and joins her friends. I think to myself, 'Great now the slayer's keepin' tabs on me', and I continued to try and make it back to my crypt before sunrise.

I made it back to my crypt without anything to embarrassing happening. The event at The Bronze was a bit unfortunate but it gets worse. Stick with me here. So I got back to my crypt, I open the door and who do I see? Come on take a wild guess, someone from way out in left field. Uses to many hair products, broods a lot. Yeah, you guessed it, Angel. He was sitting in _my _comfy chair. The nerve of this ponce.

I stumble through the door, and to beat it all I know he's ignoring my presence in my own crypt because I made a lot of noise and he didn't turn around, move or anything. So I walk over and I poke him on the shoulder hard, and I speak.

"Outta my chair ponce!" My voice was raised and I was trying to be intimidating not drunk. I don't think it worked, but still, he stood up. And I spoke again as I stood there swaying to and fro. "Just what do you think you're doing here?" He had the nerve to look at me and smile.

"I just came to see what was up here in Sunnydale, thought I'd stop by and see how you're coping with the military issue." I didn't want him to be here, and somehow I knew he wasn't speaking with genuine concern.

I eyed him a bit, then I sat down in my chair. He looked like he was sizing me up, or trying to figure out how drunk I was. I'm still not totally sure why he was looking at me. I'm afraid to ask too, you never know with that ponce.

"You're here to check on Buffy, don't try to lie. I don't really know a thing right now. Thanks for stopping bye." I told him with a stern look on my face. I thought to myself 'Could this night get any worse?' well, I was about to find out.

"So just like that you're going to kick, your sire out of your crypt?" he acted as though I had really hurt his feelings or something. I looked away from him. I was starting to think that maybe getting drunk on this particular night was not the answer.

"Yeah, just like that mate. You're not welcome here. Go chat up old Rupert if you're looking for hospitality mate, my door is closed." I was really starting to spiral into a drunken oblivion now. Not caring a bit what I said to anyone.

"Spike, you're drunk, I can see this, but I need to talk to you, and besides the sun is coming up. I can't leave now." with that said I rolled my eyes and became extremely uncomfortable.

"Bloody hell, use the tunnels you're _not _staying here." he looked at me like I'd just made him touch the fire. I stood up and started to head toward the lower level and my bed. Yes, sleep is what I needed. Sleep off this terrible night. Seeing the ponce was just to much. I didn't say anything, I just stumbled over to the opening to the cave under the crypt. I looked back at him and gave him the most evil expression I could muster.

Then as I was trying to make my way down the ladder, as luck would have it. I slipped up and fell. I let out a wail as I fell, and hit the ground with a loud thump and a 'Bloody Hell!'.

I could hear Angel laughing and I could hear him say. "Maybe you'll learn to refrain from drinking to much." Stupid ponce, things couldn't get worse at this point. The fall had hurt my pride. I got up, stripped down and slowly made it to bed. Covers on top of me, I could hear him stirring upstairs. He wasn't leaving.

The nerve of this bloke. I thought he was rummaging through my things, so I pulled myself out of bed, threw my trousers back on and slowly, carefully, climbed the ladder just enough to poke my head up.

"Hey! I said leave. Don't let the door hit you on the way out." he just rolled his eyes at me and sat down in my chair again. I thought to myself, and maybe I said it out loud, I'm really not sure. 'Bugger this.' and I returned to bed.

That day I had a dreamless sleep. Thank who ever for small favors. I was thinking maybe things were looking up. Then I woke up, I came to, and I had a hang over. Again, something I didn't think was possible.

I got up and threw on some clothes. Got up the ladder, and Angel was still there. I just sneered at him and walked over to my fridge pulling out a packet of blood. A couple of packets were missing. I gave Angel a glare.

"Outta my chair." I ordered at him and he stood up, he stretched. I sat down and lit a cigarette. He walked over and jumped up on the sarcophagus lid. He looked at me and then opened his mouth to speak, I was dreading the words from the time I realized he was still there. There are times when this ponce just can't keep his bloody mouth shut, and there are times when you just can't get him to say anything. Not that I've ever tried to actually speak to him. Well, not sense we started this little feud.

"Spike, I don't like being here any more than you like me being here. I despise you just as much as you despise me and being around you isn't my idea of fun but," I was already trying to tune out the brooding idiot. Not really interested in what it was he had to say. "But I'm here for a reason. The powers that be sent me a message, not sure what I have to do here but it has something to do with you so I have to keep an eye on you." What Buffy had said the night before came hurdling back at me. I sprang to my feet and started yelling.

"What's everyone's bloody problem! Why is everyone watching me! I just want to be left alone! Get out of my soddin' crypt NOW!" Angel shook his head. And told me that he couldn't just leave me alone.

I was furious, this was really unfortunate for me. I hate this guy and now he's staying over uninvited. I went back down the ladder and grabbed my coat, came back and headed out the door. Angel followed and I tried desperately to ignore him. Just the sound of his feet hitting the ground behind me was annoying. Made me feel like he was trying to actually be the good sire again.

About half way through the cemetery I pivoted on my heel and shot him a look of total annoyance.

"If you're going to follow me around, at least keep your bloody distance. We're not mates, we'll never be mates, and I still hate you." Angel stopped and listened to what I had to say, he shrugged and said okay. I turned and continued to walk.

Suddenly we were surrounded by a bunch of unsavory characters. Things just couldn't get any worse than this. There were eight of them, and two of us. We started to fight them. It seemed as though Angel just got in my way, and we couldn't kill them, neither of us were armed. So came the opportunity, we ran. The demons chasing after us.


	2. Angel, Demons, and Truth Oh, Bollocks

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Spike's Series of Unfortunate events

Disclaimer: Joss W. owns everything, I own nothing. What a pity.

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We were chased back to my crypt. I slung the door open and Angel ran in behind me slamming it. I ran over and grabbed two swords, throwing one to Angel.

"This is all your fault mate" I yelled at him. He looked at me with annoyance.

"My fault? How?" he questioned as we both readied for the demons to burst through the door.

"Your a bleeding bad luck charm." I said blankly as I stared at the door. Nothing they weren't coming in. I cautiously approached the door while Angel just stood there, I think he was to terrified to move. I swung the door open violently and looked around. They weren't there. I motioned for Angel to follow me out the door and he did.

"They're gone." He said in astonishment. I wasn't so sure. We both looked around cautiously holding our weapons firm. Suddenly they jumped out of nowhere it seemed, and we were back in the battle. Our swords clanked against their red armored skin.

We fought them back to back. I took a swing at a demon's head and cutting it clean off. It fell to the ground with a thump and turned into slime, it seeped up into the earth.

The other demons took a step back. They started to chant in some demon language. I'd never seen these demons before, not in my entire unlife, nothing like them. Their bodies covered in blood red armor, their faces all slightly different but with the same boned pattern on their forehead and a single horn from their brow. Their eye's glowed blue. I was breathing heavily, this wasn't going to be an easy fight.

They attacked again. Angel went flying into the air and I couldn't help but laugh at him. Which got me caught off guard and knocked to the ground. The demon went to move on top of me, I guess to kill me. I didn't give the bugger a chance, I cut his head clean off. Looking over at Angel I saw him kill one.

I got up covered in goo from the creature. I started wiping my eyes and spitting. I looked up at the sky.

"Bloody hell! Perfect" I swung at another demon, I missed. Angel killed another one. The rest began to retreat. I chased after them.

"Hey I'm not finished with you." I said as I chased after them.

"Spike let them go. We can't take all of them." Angel yelled from behind. I stopped dead in my tracks, and lit up a cigarette.

"Bollocks." I cursed. Then I turned back to Angel and started walking toward him. He had his hands on his knees, he had a slight wound on his shoulder.

"One of the big nasties get you?" I said but before he could answer I interrupted. "Might want to go have your bird patch you up." I laughed and he snarled a bit.

"I'm sure that's what the powers were talking about. I can't stand you any longer. I'm headed back to Los Angeles now." he turned to walk away dropping my sword on the ground as he disappeared into the night. I laughed and said to myself. 'Bloody ponce, glad he's gone.' . I took a draw from my cigarette and picked up my sword. Taking both of them back inside I tossed them down and sat on my chair. I must have dosed off cause when I came too Buffy was standing over me.

"Spike!" she yelled and I jolted to consciousnes.

"What slayer?" I said in annoyance. I didn't want her to be around. Still feeling odd about the dream. I had dismissed it thinking maybe it was just one of those things that your mind makes up to torment you.

"Spike you were suppose to help me tonight. Where were you?" she demanded of me. I wanted to lie, but I felt compelled to tell the truth.

"I fought some demons with Angel." I blurted out before I could stop myself. I looked down and thought 'oh bollocks please don't tell me I've been cursed'. I looked back up at Buffy and she looked hurt.

"Angel was here?" she said in a sudden small voice. Again I couldn't bite my tongue.

"Yes." 'damn it' I thought. Buffy gave me a quizzical look.

"Are you lying to me Blondie?" she put her hands on her hips she was mad again.

"No, not lying. Speaking only the truth here." I blurted it out and then bit my tongue. Oh this was just perfect. I squirmed in my chair. I could already tell I was under some kind of spell our something. Probably what those red demon blokes were going on about.

"Sure Spike. You're just trying to get under my skin some more." She said as she headed toward the door. I got up and turned.

"Buffy wait." I pleaded. "I am telling the truth." She looked at me and rolled her eyes. She opened the door and I followed behind her.

"Spike go home" she told me angrily. I kept persisting.

"Slayer I think something is up, those demons, I got some of their blood or goo or whatever it soddin' was all over me. Now I can't lie.. I just tried. And they were chanting something and I'm rambling." I looked down at the ground. Buffy whirled around. She gave another questioning look. I felt small and belittled suddenly under her concentrated gaze.

"Really?" she asked. Her head was cocked to the side. I thought to myself. 'when am I ever going to learn to keep my mouth shut.' then I spoke to her.

"Yes really." it annoyed me. I knew she was going to try and test me now. I could see the wheels of her mind turning, and I was starting to feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Okay then, if your not lying," I think she noticed where I had previously been staring. "What were you just staring at?" My eyes bulged and my mouth dropped open. I fought it, no way I was going to say that.

"Your breasts." Ouch, I flinched at the sound of my voice confessing this to her. She just gave me the 'I knew it' look. I thought to myself 'oh balls, could my unlife get any worse.' Just then she started to laugh.

"Oh I'm going to have so much fun with this." she laughed at me. I turned and started walking away.

"Spike where are you going?" She was almost on the ground rolling with laughter.

"Home" I growled. I kept walking and this time she was following me. I opened the crypt door slamming it in her face. She opened it and came in behind me. She'd stopped laughing apparently she was coming up with her next siring question. I wasn't in the mood to be trifled with.

"Leave slayer, I'm not in the mood." I said as I lit another cigarette and sat in my chair, now I was chain smoking and nervous. I knew she could ask anything and I had to answer it truthfully.

"Who's the last person you would want to find out about this?" I rolled my eyes I knew what she was fishing for now. 'oh balls' I thought as I tried to keep from answering the question. I threw my hands over my mouth, but still I spoke.

"Xander Harris" She laughed at me, still being able to make out what I said. I removed my hand from my mouth to fully reveal the most evil look. I took a draw from my cigarette.

"Oh this is just to delicious Spike," She said and I growled at her. "You can't do anything about it, and we can torment you as much as we want. So why don't you want Xander in on this?" Again I tried to refrain.

"He'll have the most fun out of me, I'd wager." I said as I rolled my eyes, remembering all the times I had tortured Xander while staying in his basement. Buffy let out a little laugh, but I think she'd already laughed enough to make her stomach hurt. I looked at her honestly.

"Slayer I need your help. I can't go on like this it could be dangerous." She looked at me suddenly. Shooting me eyes of true question once again.

"Dangerous how?" she said.. and again, at the drop of a hat I answered truthfully.

"All the things I know about you and yours, I get a lot of questions from a lot of unsavory characters. They ask me a question, I have to be truthful." Buffy's eyes got wide with realization. She headed toward the door.

"I am not letting you out of my sight. Let's get to Giles and get to the bottom of this." Suddenly I felt relieved. 'Maybe sometimes it is best to tell the truth.' I thought to myself as I followed her out of the crypt, it was going to be sunrise soon.

As we walked she had more fun out of me. What I said and what she asked though, I'm not telling you. Bloody embarrassing it was. So I'd rather not just blurt it out. I'm not under the bloody curse anymore.

So we got to Giles' place and Buffy told him what was going on. I don't think the watcher has ever laughed so hard in his life. I felt so mad, I had had enough, I jumped at the watcher and had to grab my head in pain. I screamed, then just looked at the watcher and growled as he laughed even more.

I sat down on his couch. Suddenly I think the watcher came up with a plan, it just wasn't to help me. While Buffy was on the phone getting the scooby gang over there to laugh at me, Giles began to question me. It was nothing funny or embarrassing, just quizzical information about my life killing slayers. He was paranoid that the watcher's diaries were incorrect or something. I of course answered everything truthfully.

The peace was short lived though. Before long the scooby gang was entering. All of them laughing. I slouched in my seat and mumbled. Giles stood up and went to his demonology books.


	3. When it rains, it pours

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special thanks to a friend of mine for assistance with this chapter.

Disclaimer: Joss W. owns everything, I own nothing. Poor me. Don't sue me I have nothing.

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The watcher was going through book after book, asking me every so often if this demon or that demon was the one Angel and I had fought. Seems like he went through a million soddin' books and the whole bloody time Xander was asking me some of the most appalling questions.

"So um-starts laughing- Spike, what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?" Xander questioned. I again put my hand over my mouth to try and muffle the words. It didn't work and I answered the question truthfully but quickly trying to make sure he didn't catch what I said.

"When Drusilla and Darla caught me dancing around in my boxers like an idiot. Oh bollocks! Do you have any idea how much I _hate _you." I growled at him and if any of you tell anyone what I just confessed I'll hunt you down like rats and spoon out your heart. Xander and the lot of them started rolling on the floor laughing their asses off at me. I felt like crawling into a corner and putting duct tape over my mouth. So I did.

While they were all taking their time laughing at my expense I went and got some duct tape from the drawer and put it over my mouth. I thought that this would keep me from being able to answer any questions. I was horribly wrong. Again, Xander pipped up once he recovered from his laughter.

"So Spike, would you shake your ass for some cash?" Xander laughed. I ripped the tape from my mouth and yelled at him.

"Absolutely not! I'm going to rip your lungs out you soddin' idiot. Come here!" I charged at him I was furious but before I could get to him the bug zapper in my brain went off and I fell to the floor clutching my head.

They all started laughing once again. Except for Giles, he seemed a bit less enthused. He slammed the book on the table and stood up, he yelled at all of them.

"I don't think any of you understand how dire this situation is. It is not a laughing matter. Spike knows things about us all that could get Buffy, or any one of us killed. I suggest you all leave Spike alone and focus on finding out how to put an end to this." I stood up and gave Giles a look that said 'thank you' and sat back down on the couch.

I fell asleep on the watcher's couch. I don't think I talk in my sleep but if I do I'm sure they all ganged up on me then. When I woke up Giles handed me a book, thank whom ever, Giles had found my demon. The only problem, we had to find the others and kill them for the curse to be lifted. So at sunset we all sat out to find them. It didn't take long. Seems they found us, all four of them.

We fought them, they seemed to be harder to kill this time, and I was of no use. I couldn't fight them for some reason. When they showed up I just sort of froze, I think it was something else to do with the spell but whatever. Doesn't matter, the Scooby gang took care of them.

When they were all slime, Buffy turned to me and asked.

"Is it over? Is that it? Gees that was disappointing." I just shot her a glare. Then she asked me, "So Spike, what's your favorite color?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes then answered her question.

"It's pink. Duh, slayer. It's black." I told her sarcastically. There was a collective sigh of relief at this point all for different reasons, I'd wager. The important thing though was that it was bloody well over with.

So I hope you enjoyed my embarrassing little story. Is there a moral, no, it was suppose to be funny, not a bloody life lesson. So on with you now, that's all I have to tell.


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